Cofisnozia Causing Panic Throughout the Nation

Emily Wilson's satire tackles a "Cofisnozia outbreak."

by Emily Wilson, Editor

As the outbreak of Cofisnozia continues, students who are still attending school are now being required to take a seminar class on personal hygiene. The seminar includes how to properly wash your hands, how to cover a cough and sneeze to minimize spread of germs, and how to have a better chance of staying healthy. Many schools around the country are also planning on participating in this Friday’s Snough Day: a new national day where the day is dedicated to cleaning all surfaces, floors, and blank space that will be thoroughly disinfected in hopes to rid schools of this sickness in a quicker manner.

After the first students fell ill to this new disease, widespread panic has incurred as many parents tried to figure out how to keep their children healthy.

“When this sickness first started, I wasn’t worried. My kid has a good immune system and only gets sick once or twice a year, if that. But he came home two days ago and told me that after some student in the hall sneezed in his direction without covering his mouth, he started to feel dizzy and now he is sicker than I have ever seen him,” said Mari Connel, a concerned parent.

Doctors continue to look into the evolving disease; the results are horrifying.

“In its early stages, Cofisnozia looks like a bad fever. Runny noses, hot and cold flashes, plugged up ears, and bloodshot eyes are just a few of the main symptoms. But in its later stages, well the results are not looking good,” said leading immunologist Dr. Harold Coughsman from the Northwestern CleanX and Germisen Lab.

Following the fever like symptoms, victims can expect to develop a purple and blue rash all over students bodies that resemble sneeze splatters. It is hypothesized that this is due to coming in contact with others who are either sick themselves or have not washed their hands and are covered in germs.

“So far we have no idea how to cure the sick kids. More and more students come into my office every day with the spreading rash and while my team is working around the clock, we are no closer to finding a cure for this,” continued Dr. Coughsman. “ Just yesterday, a patient with an advanced stage of Cofisnozia came in with the most advanced rash yet. It had turned a sickly blue green color and looked like it might burst as liquid had gathered underneath the skin.”

Many schools presume that the spread of this sickness started with the lack of hygiene commonly seen in high school students.

“I have seen so many students leave snot filled tissues on desks claiming that they will ‘throw it away later’ but that is just more time for the desk to get more germy,” said Biology teacher Gregory McFenna. “I swear that the stair railings are dripping with snot and I see kids sneezing right out into the open all the time. It’s disgusting. They should call in the hazmat team for the amount of germs that are spread every second at this school.”

Students, families, and faculty hope that this Friday’s cleaning session with help rid the schools of disease, but doctors assume that until the students start to take more care with covering their coughs and sneezes and maintaining good hygiene, this disease will only spread and worsen.